Stop Self Defeating Behaviors In 5 Steps Give Away Rights Ebook

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Understanding Your Unfulfilled Needs

You have to figure out what your unfulfilled needs are. This is a little bit trickier because your wants and your needs are two different things. It would be very helpful if you take in depth look into yourself and figure out what you truly desire. In the example that we are following, what do you think the person needs? His problems are that he blames others and thinks that he has no control over his life. What the person needs to understand is what his unfulfilled needs are? In this case it would seem that the person lacks self-confidence and his unfulfilled need is trust from others that he respects and believe in, which in this case are his parents.

The self-defeating behavior at one point in time helped you fulfill a certain need you had. The need can be something that reaches back into your childhood or could be a recent need but understanding what they are is the next key step into solving your SDB. Trying to fulfill the needs are important but you must recognize that there are healthier and more self-affirming ways to achieve this.

At this point you should add the concept of “self” to your vocabulary. This self must be structured or restructured by changing our beliefs and beliefs systems. These beliefs and needs are generally a response to something that happened to you in your life. This could include anything including the treatment you received from people around you. Understanding these needs and changing the underlying beliefs behind them will help you find a different approach to fulfilling what you truly desire.

How do you fulfill your unfulfilled needs? Well, the thing is, it is easier than it sounds. People are stuck in the past because they think the only way to respond to situations is the way they always have. Their belief systems and their sense of self are low, meaning that they see themselves negatively. So, how does this have to do with fulfilling your needs? You may feel lonely, need for emotional attachment, or even for approval from your father or mother. These are all legitimate needs of the self and you cannot just go on ignoring them.

For example, when you want attention from your parents you might do some self-defeating behaviors such as drinking or doing drugs to attract their attention. The more that they ignore you the more that you try to gain their attention which sets up a vicious cycle. There are healthier ways to attain the attention, instead of doing the positive you can reach out to them by showing them areas that you have excelled in. Or joining hobbies that they are interested in and allowing you to spend time with them. However, there are some parents that you just can’t please and in this case you need to have a strong sense of self to understand that you don’t have to have their approval.

Once you identify the need, you now have the potential to fulfill it. This would rid you of the underlying root problem because you have attained everything that you ever wanted. Once you attain the need this will further strengthen in your journey of success and ridding yourself of SDB.

Overcoming your Self-Defeating Behavior

It is never easy to overcome self-defeating behaviors, its very nature means that it feeds on itself and reinforces itself to be stronger and stronger. The original behavior we had was a learning moment and at that specific time was helpful for us in overcoming the problem. However, the problem is that you get overwhelming emotions that threaten to blossom into SDB. We than tend to avoid anything that can elicit a strong emotional reaction and when this happens we get what is termed a “generalization of learning”. Where lots of bad things happen to us we tend to generalize that anything strong will end up hurting us.

Earlier we outlined a plan that helps us identify and address the underlying problems behind self-defeating behavior. When we generalize this is the first step in creating irrational reactions to strong emotions that generate the self-defeating behavior. We react the same way because it worked before and now that the problem is different we try to apply the same solution. However, in this particular case we are trying to apply a square peg into a circular hole.

If we let the problem grow without addressing it we allow the problem to automatically self sabotage ourselves. This happens at a subconscious level so most of the time we don’t even realize we are doing it. This is why the first step is always identifying the issue. The thing is this may cause us to react strongly to a situation that does not merit such a strong reaction.

Our loved ones and friends often do not know how to deal with this and can cause significant rifts in the relationships. This causes even more alienation and this is when the vicious cycle starts up.

The actions of someone with self-defeating behavior will push away those that love them. These people not understanding the situation will often just not deal with a person. This can cause feelings of pain and betrayal in the person with self-defeating behavior which results in increased isolation and loneliness. This is when people start to get angry with them resulting in the toxic person syndrome mentioned earlier. They feel that they are just trouble and toxic and when they encounter someone their actions cause the person to back away affirming the feeling that they are toxic.

The Big Change

The best part about this is that you are reading this, that you realize that there is a need for change and that you need to reach out for help. Help begin with realizing that you have a problem. Help begins by reaching out to those around you who can help you break this vicious cycle that you are going through.

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