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Chapter 3: Developing Healthy Boundaries

Setting healthy boundaries in your life can often be fraught with difficulties because you're dealing with so many different personalites - those of your coworkers, family members, spouses and friends. All of these people have different expectatons of you and some may cross healthy boundaries.

If you haven't set certain boundaries for yourself, stress, bad feelings, breakup of a relatonship and anger may occur when you change. It's important that you know how to set boundaries for yourself and which are most important to you, but it's also important to know how to deal with the reactons of others to the boundaries you've set.

You have rights that need to be respected - to be able to say "No," when you want to and to expect courtesy from others. It's your right to let the phone go to voicemail, ignore email for awhile or not answer a queston if you don't want to. Think about your current boundaries. Are you saying "Yes," when you'd rather say no - or are you using anger or nagging to get your way rather than expectng others to recognize and respect your boundaries?

If you're experiencing anger and disrespect from others not adhering to your boundaries, you may need to rethink how you communicate with others. Keep in mind that boundaries aren't meant to punish others - but are set in place for your own protecton.

Setting boundaries works best when you don't shout or nag, but remain calm and collected when you carry out compliance to the boundaries you've set. Speaking your mind and sePng limits for others requires you to make yourself the main priority and not be afraid of the consequences of protectng yourself.

How to Develop and Set Healthy Boundaries

Developing and sePng healthy boundaries help you lead a very healthy life. It's a skill that may not have been learned in childhood or even far into your adult life. It may take a professional coach or counselor to help you along the path of boundary-building if it's a new and scary concept for you.

First, you've got to know and understand yourself and your own boundaries. Basically, any situation which makes you feel uncomfortable or that you regret later on requires that you reset - and follow through with - your current boundaries.

If you periodically find yourself becoming "soft" on your boundaries and it's making a difference in how much you're enjoying your life and feeling that you garner respect from others - it's tme to rethink your boundaries and set ones which you're comfortable with.

It may help you to write down some boundaries which you feel are "non-negotable" and work from those. Be clear when you describe what it would take to cross that boundary. Also, think about how you'll handle the situaton if that boundary is crossed so there will be no queston or arguing about the subject.

For example, if you have a coworker who crosses your boundary of touching, it's tme to set the boundary and clarify it to yourself and the coworker. A pat on the back may be acceptable, but hugging may not. In some instances, all touching might be off limits with this person and/or others.

Knowing your personal limits on what you can tolerate - or not - is an important part of how you'll develop and set boundaries you can live with. Consider the following tps when developing and sePng boundaries and how you'll cope with reactons from others.

Know thyself - When you're tuned in to your feelings about boundaries, you'll soon discover exactly what's bothering you about certain situatons.

What are you resentful about - or what makes you uncomfortable about an issue? The more you know yourself and what makes you feel as you do, the better able you'll be to set the boundaries which will be most important to you.

Ponder your past - What, if anything, in your past has led to feelings that your boundary has been broken? Perhaps you weren't respected as a child or in a job after you became an adult. If you learned how to deal with it by accepting the behavior, you likely feel anger or resentment now. Write down all you can remember about what may have happened in your past to make your boundaries weak and unacceptable.

Ponder your present situations - Are your relatonships healthy with spouse, family and friends? If not, which situatons may need new boundaries which demand respect and that will protect your physical and emotonal well-being? Ignoring your needs can keep you drained and might eventually affect your health.

Make yourself the main priority - Your energy, health and peace of mind must come first or you won't be able to effectvely help and deal with others. When you practce self-care, you're giving yourself the opportunity to be the best spouse, mom, coworker or friend you can be. If you're not taking care of yourself, you'll have certain cues such as lack of energy, anger and mistrust of others.

Know that you deserve to have boundaries - Give yourself the permission you need to set and enforce your personal boundaries. There's no need to feel guilty about enforcing boundaries. You have every right to the selfrespect you deserve and every right to demand that others give you the same respect.

Be firm and direct with those who cross your boundaries - Some people will welcome your newly set boundaries and see it as a good thing for you. Others will rebel, get their feelings hurt and you may possibly run the risk of losing a friendship, marriage or cause rifts at work or between family members. As long as you're firm and direct about your needs, you are in the "right" and others should respect that.

Learn to be assertive - When it comes to your healthy boundaries, you may have to push the "assertiveness" button more than you ever have before. After you've communicated what your boundaries are, be assertive in protecting those boundaries. People can be like children - once you let them get away with a little bit, they try your patience more. Communicate with the trespassing person in an assertive manner.

Developing and sePng appropriate boundaries will protect your self-esteem and keep you from expending time and energy on people and things which ultimately drain you and keep you angry and frustrated.

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